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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2841
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 26, 2017
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2842
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 26, 2017
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  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A couple are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary and manage to book the very same resort, even hotel room, that they used on their honeymoon.
    Deciding to give her husband a little treat, the wife slips off into the bathroom while hubby"s watching TV to slip on the negligee that she wore that first night together.
    She opens the bathroom door, and her husband looks over.
    "What were you thinking 25 years ago, darling?" she asks.
    "I was thinking," he replies, "that I"m going to suck your tits dry and f*ck your brains out."She smiles.
    "And now?"
    He replies, "I"m thinking I did a pretty good job of it."
     
    #2843
    antipodean exile, Jul 26, 2017
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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Three blokes go to a strip club, two English blokes and a Scottish chap.
    After being seated at a table near the front, this sexy blonde girl comes over and starts dancing on their table.
    After a couple of minutes, the stripper has taken off everything apart from her bra and panties.
    When she takes off her bra, the first English bloke licks a twenty pound note and slaps it to her right arse cheek,
    next the second English man licks a twenty pound note and slaps it to her left arse cheek.
    Then she takes off her panties and the Scottish bloke gets his credit card, swipes her arse and takes the forty quid!
     
    #2844
    antipodean exile, Jul 26, 2017
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    How do you get a fat girl into bed? ....... Piece of cake !!
     
    #2845
    antipodean exile, Jul 26, 2017
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2846
    antipodean exile, Jul 26, 2017
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2847
    antipodean exile, Jul 26, 2017
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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2848
    antipodean exile, Jul 26, 2017
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2849
    antipodean exile, Jul 26, 2017
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2850
    antipodean exile, Jul 26, 2017
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A couple bought themselves a squirrel pet. One night they went out for dinner and locked the squirrel in the closet.
    Later that night a thief broke into their house. The thief was in the process of stealing the couple's valuables when he heard the couple's car arriving home. The thief then immediately hid in the closet.
    The owners came into the house, and went straight to bed.
    But in the middle of the night they were awoken by a scream. The husband opened the closet to see the thief squirming on the floor.
    The husband immediately bound the thief tightly with some rope and asked what made him holler so loud......
    The thief replied in pain, "When your ****ing squirrel took my ass for a hollow in a tree -I held out then it took my balls for nuts I gritted my teeth, but when it decided to carry the nuts into the hollow I cracked up."
     
    #2851
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 26, 2017
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A woman was pregnant with triplets.
    One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
    She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.
    So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
    The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
    On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
     
    #2852
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 27, 2017
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2853
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 27, 2017
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  14. Wooperts_duck

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    A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he turned to her and said,
    'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
    it slowly and said to the man, 'What would you like to talk about?'
    'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
    nuclear power?' and he smiles.
    OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
    But let me ask you a question first.
    A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - .
    Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
    flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
    Why do you suppose that is?'
    The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
    To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?
     
    #2854
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 27, 2017
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin.
    “Ooh”, said the presenter enthusiastically, “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers
    taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century.
    Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”

    “Sticks,” said Paddy!
     
    #2855
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 27, 2017
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  16. Wooperts_duck

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    #2856
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 27, 2017
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2857
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 27, 2017
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2858
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 27, 2017
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    When your ginger mate starts kicking off........

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    #2859
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 27, 2017
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2860
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 27, 2017
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