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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2761
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2017
    antipodean exile, Jul 20, 2017
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  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2762
    antipodean exile, Jul 20, 2017
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The new Dr Who is starting with a 2 hour long special, it'll take her that long to park the f*cking Tardis!
     
    #2763
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 20, 2017
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2764
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 21, 2017
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2765
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 21, 2017
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2766
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 21, 2017
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2767
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 21, 2017
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2768
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 21, 2017
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2769
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 21, 2017
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2770
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 21, 2017
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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    I pulled a girl at a nightclub and she took me back to her place.
    I was really drunk but I still managed to shag her.
    While we were shagging I said to her, "you"ve got no tits but your fanny is so tight."
    She said, "get off of my f*cking back."
     
    #2771
    antipodean exile, Jul 21, 2017
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  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    My mate in the pub had a DIY breathalyser:
    it was a bag that told him when he"d had too much to drink.
    I have no need for it though, I married one.
     
    #2772
    antipodean exile, Jul 21, 2017
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  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he"d just been run over by a train.
    His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he"s walking with a limp.
    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
    "Jamie O"Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
    "That little ****, O"Conner," says Sean, "He couldn"t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin" he gave me with it."
    "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, "Didn"t you have something in your hand?"
    "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O"Conner"s twat, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a f*cking fight."
     
    #2773
    antipodean exile, Jul 21, 2017
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  14. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2774
    antipodean exile, Jul 21, 2017
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  15. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2775
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  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2776
    antipodean exile, Jul 21, 2017
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I'm not saying my wife's fat or anything, but the longest diet she's ever been on was 15 minutes when she walked up the chippy.
     
    #2777
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 21, 2017
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I was driving through Wales with a friend of mine who is dyslexic.

    He was studying the road signs when all of a sudden he shouted...."**** me, I'm cured."
     
    #2778
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 21, 2017
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    HELP. . . do you know how to cancel an eBay bid?

    I made an offer for a mickey mouse outfit and now I'm 6 minutes away from owning Liverpool football club!
     
    #2779
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 21, 2017
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2780
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 21, 2017
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