You forgot ...... when talking to an idiot. "Why don't you pull a cows cnut over your head and let a bull Fcuk some sense into it"
I staggered in pissed out of my head last night. My wife stormed up to me and punched me in the face. I said "You should be a boxer"She said "Why, am I a hard puncher?" I said "No, your nose is flat and bent and you"re ugly".
Mick: "Do you have an idol?" Paddy: "Yes, my dad. I worship the ground he rolls on." Mick: "Rolls? Is he in a wheelchair?" Paddy: "No, he"s a drunk."
I got thrown out of the cinema for taking my own food yesterday. Been ages since I've had a barbecue.
I went to the doctor today to talk about contraception. She said "You could try French letters". I said "What"s that?" She said "Condoms" I said "I don"t like them". So she said "You should try the French Army method then". I said "What"s that?" She said "You pull out before you get into trouble!".
My Mother-in-law researched her family tree recently and discovered she is a direct descendant of the Hitler family, which has shocked me to the core. She's the nicest, most tolerant person I've ever known and wouldn't harm a fly, so I'm finding it incredibly hard to believe. Although it does explain the moustache.
I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards? She said, "Yes, sir." So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"