The barnsley joke page

Japanese scientists have invented a camera with a shutter that operates so fast, it was recently able to take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut......

 

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I came out of woolies the other day and saw a scruffy bloke.

He was playing the guitar and singing......"When I was young,seemed like life was so wonderful,a miracle,it was beautiful,magical "

I said "thats supertramp ",

He said "ah thanks very much ".

 

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The North Yorkshire Police report finding a man's body in the River Swale, near Richmond.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a 'Jeremy Corbyn for Prime Minister' T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
The police removed the Jeremy Corbyn T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
In spite of what we sometimes think, the police do care.

 

Guy goes to doctor "doctor I think my dick is shaped like a trumpet"

Doctor: "O.K. let me have a look?"

The guy drops his trousers and the Doc says "Wow, you're right it does look like a trumpet, and it's weird had a woman in here yesterday who had a vagina that looks like a mouth organ"

Guy says: "Yeah that that would be our Monica"

 

I asked the assistant in Sports Direct what a cricket box was.

Apparently it's a piece of cheap plastic which men put their genitals in.

So, a bit like Katie Price then.

 

Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same lack of response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed,he took a few steps forward, bent over to pick it up –
and all eleven bells went off...

 

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Unfortunate TV scheduling by Channel 4 and ITV.

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On my first night in prison I made a big mistake.

Apparently "I'll toss you for the top bunk" means something different on the inside!

 

My ex-girlfriend had a fantastic set of tits! However one was bigger than the other.

She wasn't really that self conscious until she entered a Wet T.Shirt contest and came 1st and 3rd!

 

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A teacher is telling her class of six-year-olds the story of the three little pigs.
She gets to the part where the the first pig asks a man for some straw for his house.
She decides to ask the class what the man would have said.
One lad puts his hand up and says,
"I think the man would have said; "Well f*ck me, a talking pig!"

 

Our top 30 Aussie sayings...
30 He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock.
Doesn't have it together
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29 Dig a hole and bury me, it just doesn't get better than this!
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28 May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down.
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27 Flat out like a lizard drinking.
hard work, busy. (But originally sarcastically)
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26 Too slow to keep worms in a tin.
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25 May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
You're basically scum
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24 Gonna drain me dragon.
urinate
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23 Built like a brick s*ithouse.
1) [sarcastic] weak 2) Extremely well built person!-usually a woman
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22 He could talk under wet cement with a mouthful of marbles.
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21 One foot in the grave and the other on a banana skin.
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20 He had a head on him like a sucked mango.
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19 Drier than a nuns nasty.
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18 A good root and a fart would kill him.
He's weak.
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17 Up at a sparrows fart.
got up very early in the morning
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16 I'm not pissing in your pocket mate!
I'm giving to you straight.
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15 She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard.
not discriminating about sexual partners
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14 Busier than a one armed Sydney cab driver with the crabs.
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13 The most fun you can have with your pants on.
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12 A few *anks short of an orgasm.
not all there
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11 Give birth to a politician.
To have a s*it.
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10 He's floggin the log/dog again!
Havin' a *ank. (Masturbating)
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9 Got you by the short and curlies.
Got you on a short leash.... pubic hairs!
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8 You must be the world's only living brain donor.
dumb or stupid to the extreme
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7 Happy as a ba*tard on Father's Day.
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6 About as useful as t*ts on a bull.
useless
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5 Not enough brains to give 'imself a headache!
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4 Off like a bride's nightie.
Very quickly.
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3 Dry as a dead dingo's donger.
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2 Scarce as rocking horse s*it.
Very rare
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1 May your ears turn into arseholes and s*it on your shoulders.
insult

 

I rung up work this morning..
"My wife died last night." I explained. "I'm going to need some time off."
"Oh my goodness, that's awful." Replied the secretary. "We understand though, take as much time off as you need."
"Thank you." I said. "It'll be about eighteen years, if I behave myself."

 

Premature ejaculator seeks bubbly, blonde female with big ti...

Hang on, doesn't matter now.

 

A farmer buys a young Cock. As soon as he gets it home,it f*cks all the 150 hens.

The farmer is impressed. At lunch the Cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day,it's f*cking the Ducks,and the Geese too.

Sadly,later in the day,he finds the Cock lying on the ground half-dead,and Vultures circling overhead. Farmer says,"You deserved it,you Horny B*stard!"

The Cock opens one eye, points up and says..........."Ssshhh. They're about to land!!"