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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    The credit crunch...
    I could lose my job.
    I could lose all my savings.
    I could lose my house.
    So what does the country do?
    Spend billions of our money on an event that lasts just two weeks and which serves no purpose other than to find out which people on this planet are best at taking drugs without being caught.
     
    #2441
    antipodean exile, Jun 22, 2017
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  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Japanese scientists have invented a camera with a shutter that operates so fast, it was recently able to take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut......
     
    #2442
    antipodean exile, Jun 22, 2017
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  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    With all the spam we get for penis-enlargement pills you"d think by now someone would have invented a pill to shrink vaginas instead.
     
    #2443
    antipodean exile, Jun 22, 2017
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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2444
    antipodean exile, Jun 22, 2017
  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2445
    antipodean exile, Jun 22, 2017
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2446
    antipodean exile, Jun 22, 2017
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2447
    antipodean exile, Jun 22, 2017
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A very rare photo of the first ever mobile phone.

    please log in to view this image
     
    #2448
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 22, 2017
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    please log in to view this image
     
    #2449
    antipodean exile, Jun 23, 2017
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2450
    antipodean exile, Jun 23, 2017
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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    I came out of woolies the other day and saw a scruffy bloke.
    He was playing the guitar and singing
    "When I was young,seemed like life was so wonderful,a miracle,it was beautiful,magical "
    I said "thats supertramp ",
    He said "ah thanks very much ".
     
    #2451
    antipodean exile, Jun 23, 2017
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  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A Jew, an Italian, and a Greek are riding in a car.
    The car slides off the road, crashing into a tree, killing all three of them. The next thing they know, they are all standing in front of God in heaven.
    God says to the Italian, "All you ever cared about was stuffing your face with pizza and pasta. But I'm willing to give you another chance; the next time you walk into a pizzeria, I'm sending you straight to hell!.
    Then he turns to the Greek and says, " All you ever cared about was your orgies and your wild sex parties. But I'm willing to give you another chance; The next time you perform anal sex, you're going straight to hell!.
    Then he says to the Jew, "All you ever were concerned with was saving money and digging around everywhere for loose change. But I'm willing to give you another chance; the next time you pick up a penny off the ground, I'm sending you straight to hell!.
    So the next thing they know they are all standing on the sidewalk.
    They start walking down the street and they pass a pizzeria.
    The Italian looks in the window and says, "Oh that pizza smells so good, I just got to have one slice!"
    He runs through the door and POOF! He disappears.
    The Greek and Jew walk down the street and the Jew notices a penny on the sidewalk.
    He thinks to himself, "Oh, look at that penny! I just got to have it!"
    He bends over to pick it up and POOF! the Greek disappears.
     
    #2452
    antipodean exile, Jun 23, 2017
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  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2453
    antipodean exile, Jun 23, 2017
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  14. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2454
    antipodean exile, Jun 23, 2017
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I think one of the builders working in our house is a Jehovah's Witness.

    He's upstairs trying to convert the loft.
     
    #2455
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 23, 2017
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The film 'Life of Pi 2' looks a bit rubbish.......

    please log in to view this image
     
    #2456
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 23, 2017
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The North Yorkshire Police report finding a man's body in the River Swale, near Richmond.
    The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
    The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.
    He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a 'Jeremy Corbyn for Prime Minister' T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
    The police removed the Jeremy Corbyn T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
    In spite of what we sometimes think, the police do care.
     
    #2457
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 23, 2017
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Guy goes to doctor "doctor I think my dick is shaped like a trumpet"

    Doctor: "O.K. let me have a look?"

    The guy drops his trousers and the Doc says "Wow, you're right it does look like a trumpet, and it's weird had a woman in here yesterday who had a vagina that looks like a mouth organ"

    Guy says: "Yeah that that would be our Monica"
     
    #2458
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 23, 2017
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #2459
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 23, 2017
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  20. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die.
    I said, "that"s amazing how the hell did he know all that?"
    My dad replied, "the judge told him."
     
    #2460
    antipodean exile, Jun 24, 2017
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