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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The top 8 things girls should say to men:

    1. I'm bored, let's shave me snatch
    2. Are you sure you've had plenty to drink?
    3. That fart was awesome drop another!
    4. Of course I swallow, it's amazing
    5. No thats ok you watch porn, I'll toss you off after i've done these dishes.
    6. Just for a change stick it up me arse.
    7. Are you still shagging that girl at work?
    8. Marriage? No f*cking way!

    Sadly, Carlsberg don't do these girlfriends, but Thailand does!
     
    #1641
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    After years of milking cows with the traditional stool-and-squirt method, Farmer Giles finds he has enough money to order a high-tech milking machine. The equipment arrives a few days later and, realizing his wife is out for the day, decides to test the machine on himself first.
    After setting it up, he quickly eases his beef bayonet into the equipment and flicks the switch. The sucking teat pleasures him better than his wife ever could, but when it's over the machine will not release his member. In desperation, the farmer calls the Customer Service Hotline. "Hello," he winces, "I've just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but, er, how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
    "Don't worry." Replies the rep. "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."
     
    #1642
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #1643
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #1644
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”
    The priest is silent for a moment, then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
    “And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
    “No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that ****in smirk off your face.
     
    #1645
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1646
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1647
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just wondering if I'll get away with posting a picture of a couple of topless strippers!..........










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    #1648
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I’m fed up with my mates 3 times now they have agreed to go to a Whitesnake gig with me and then not showed up.

    Here I go again on my own!
     
    #1649
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Paddy and Mick were having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the stainless steel, still deep in conversation.
    But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed.
    "I say, ‘tis a remarkable dong you have there," Paddy was prompted to remark.
    “T’wasn't always that way," replied Mick. "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said.
    "I got this done in Dublin. It costs me twenty thousand bucks, but as you can see,well worth it."
    Paddy was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and drove to
    Dublin. It was a good six months later before he ran into
    Mick once again and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken
    his advice and was well pleased with the result.
    "You were diddled. I got mine for ten thousand bucks only" said Paddy.
    Mick could hardly believe it. Same address in Dublin,
    same doctor.
    Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look.
    Once more they lined up at the stainless steel and when Mick took a
    peek, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared
    and he started laughing.
    "Why are you laughing?"
    "No wonder you got it at half price," Mick laughed. "That's my old one!"
     
    #1650

  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    "Daddy, why do people hang horses?" asked my daughter.

    "Nobody hangs horses, darling," I consoled her in my lap. "Who told you that people hang horses?"

    "I just heard mummy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse."
     
    #1651
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Couldn't find that thing that peels the potatoes and carrots so I ask the kids if they had seen it.


    Apparently she left me yesterday...
     
    #1652
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
    She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthesia shot.
    “No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaimed.
    So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, “I can’t do the gas thing.
    Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!
    The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
    “No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills.
    “So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.
    “What are those?” he asked.” Viagra,” she replied.
    “I’ll be damned,” said the patient, “I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer.”
    “It doesn’t,” said the dentist, “But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out"
     
    #1653
  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I feel sorry for the staff in Greggs in this weather.

    They must be baking in there........
     
    #1654
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1655
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  16. Didley Squat

    Didley Squat Well-Known Member

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    What have a bottle blond and a jumbo jet got in common?

    They both have a black box!
     
    #1656
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A very rare photo of the first ever mobile phone.

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    #1657
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  18. Didley Squat

    Didley Squat Well-Known Member

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    Can l place an order for number 1, followed by number 6, with a number 4 thrown in for good measure?
     
    #1658
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I think one of the builders working in our house is a Jehovah's Witness.

    He's upstairs trying to convert the loft.
     
    #1659
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The film 'Life of Pi 2' looks a bit rubbish........

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    #1660
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