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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    When the Princess had a child they fired a 21 gun salute.

    When the nun had a child they fired a dirty old Canon.
     
    #1901
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 23, 2017
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just been on a dieting website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

    Is that a trick question?
     
    #1902
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 23, 2017
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    They're a bit racist in London aren't they?

    I just saw 200 white blokes chasing a black guy over Tower Bridge.
     
    #1903
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 23, 2017
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    In recent times it's been suggested that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but since all the doctors are now Muslim I find bacon works better.
     
    #1904
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 23, 2017
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #1905
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 23, 2017
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A woman and a baby are in a doctor"s surgery, where the doctor is concerned about the baby"s weight.
    "Is he bottle or breastfed?" asks the doctor.
    The woman replies, "breast".
    With that, the doctor orders her to strip to her waist so he can examine her breasts.
    After pinching her nipples and sucking and rubbing both of her breasts for some time the doctor says, "No wonder the baby is under weight - you have no milk!"
    The woman replies, "I know, I"m his Nan - but I"m glad I came."
     
    #1906
    antipodean exile, Apr 24, 2017
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A man goes into a bar and approaches a gorgeous young woman who is sitting by herself:
    Man: "May I buy you a drink?"
    Woman: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
    Man: "Im sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
    Woman: "No, they just open..."
     
    #1907
    antipodean exile, Apr 24, 2017
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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    What"s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
    It"s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
     
    #1908
    antipodean exile, Apr 24, 2017
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1909
    antipodean exile, Apr 24, 2017
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1910
    antipodean exile, Apr 24, 2017
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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1911
    antipodean exile, Apr 24, 2017
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Women always say, "They love a man in uniform", but when I go clubbing in my McDonald's outfit, nobody talks to me
     
    #1912
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 24, 2017
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    We've just come back from a holiday in Spain. My wife didn't really enjoy it, because everyone could speak English and all the food was like the stuff we eat back at home.

    She said, "Next time, I want to go somewhere where they eat weird sh*t and you can't understand a word they say."

    So I've just booked us a fortnight in Scotland.
     
    #1913
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 24, 2017
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  14. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
    One says to the other, "jeez, i"d really like to dance with that girl."
    The other man replies, "well go ahead and ask her, don"t be a chickenshit."
    So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "excuse me. would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
    Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "i"m sorry. right now i"m contemplating on matrimony, and i"d rather sit than dance."
    So the man humbly returns to his friend "so what did she say?" asks the friend.
    The drunk responded, "she said she"s constipated on macaroni, and would rather s*it in her pants."
     
    #1914
    antipodean exile, Apr 25, 2017
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  15. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1915
    antipodean exile, Apr 25, 2017
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  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1916
    antipodean exile, Apr 25, 2017
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  17. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1917
    antipodean exile, Apr 25, 2017
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1918
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 25, 2017
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I could smell the cooking from my Korean neighbours house today.
    I knocked on the door and said, "Your wife's cooking is amazing, I can smell the spicy chicken from here."
    He said, "It's actually your dog."
    I said, "Fu*k off mate, my dog can't even cook."
     
    #1919
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 25, 2017
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My mate just bought a Pub, and was going to rename it "Prince Charming" or "Goody Two Shoes."

    I tried to talk him out of it, but he's Adamant .
     
    #1920
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 25, 2017
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