The barnsley joke page

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Two things happened today:

One, I discovered I can fit 4 ring doughnuts around my erect penis.

And two, I'm banned from Tesco.

 

A bear wakes up and, like all animals do when they wake up, he goes behind a bush to take a dump.
While he"s back there, he spots a rabbit nearby doing the same thing.
It"s a little quiet, so he decides to strike up a conversation.
"Hey," the bear says, "you ever have problems with sh*t sticking to your fur?"
"Nope," replies the rabbit.
So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his arse with it.

 

Bored?
Broke?
Do you find yourself with over 35 spare hours to fill every week?
Would you like to earn hundreds of pounds every month?
Then get a fu*king job like the rest of us, you lazy bastard.

 

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A women is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars.

The judge asked "First offender?"

She replied "No, first a Gibson then a Fender".

 

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The French Irish war !

.The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Hollande!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you.
We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty.'

'Well, Paddy,' Hollande replied, deciding to play-along, 'This is indeed important news. How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes Eleven.'

Hollande paused. 'I must tell you, paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on. We have
Managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be paddy?' Hollandey asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor..'

Hollande sighs, bemused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured
Personnel carriers.
Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'


Hollande was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy,

That I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000.'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'


Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hollande.
I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Hollande. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no friggin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

 

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A deaf mute man is working his way up in the Triads and finally gets the job of collecting "protection" money on a small patch in China Town.
After a few weeks though he gets greedy and starts to cream off some of the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The Triad bosses however soon realise that they are short by about 40,000 and send their best enforcer to sort it out.
He finds the deaf mute collector and asks him where the money is, but they can"t communicate so the enforcer drags the guy to one of the poor restaurant owners who he knew could use sign language. "Ask him where the money is."
The restaurant owner signs to the man who"d been terrorising the neighbourhood for weeks "Where"s the money?"
The deaf mute replies, "I don"t know what you"re talking about."
The interpreter tells the enforcer this, who immediately pulls out a gun and points in the collector"s mouth. "NOW ask him where the money is."
The terrified deaf-mute signs back, "The 40,000 is in deposit box 542 at Paddington Station and the key is in the glove compartment of my car."
The restaurant owner says to the Triad, "He says he still doesn"t know what you"re talking about, doesn"t think you have the balls to pull the trigger, and your mother sucks cock for money."

 

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There is a massive tailback on the M6 and a lorry driver caught up in it asks a man, who happens to be walking along the line of traffic, "what the hell is going on?"
The man replies, "haven"t you heard? Terrorists have captured the bus carrying the Liverpool team and are threatening to torch the bus if their demands aren"t met. So I"ve organized a whip-round."
"How much is everyone giving?" askes the lorry driver.
"About a gallon each," replies the man.

 

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